mans best friend

I've been toying with the idea of getting a doggy. The only reason I hesitate is because I know what a responsibility a new pet is and how needy and time consuming they can be. But, they are cute and fun and completely devoted to their Owner so I think it will end up being really worthwhile. Besides, the Owner/pet bond is stronger than most marriages and usually lasts a lifetime.
I'm still trying to decide whether to go for a shiny new pup that I can train Myself, or an old dog that already knows all the tricks. Either way I'm sure I will end up getting exactly what I want.

Ideally I am looking for a pet that identifies with the following statements:

i am a dumb animal whose only use is to make it's Owner happy.
i will obey all commands from my Owner
i will always try my best
i will accept punishment and reward as my Owner allows
i will have id tags made up with my Owners name and wear them around my neck 24/7
i will wear a collar at home and keep a leash
i will regularly use pet soaps on my body and pet brush/shampoo/conditioner on my hair
i will perfrom tricks on cam for Owner
i will get a dogdish with the name my Owner gives me on it
i will always get on all fours to eat my food from my dogdish on the floor
i will be kept on a strict diet of dogfood with treats earned on occasion
i will drink from toilet when told
i will wear barking collar when Owner requires it
i will wear shocking collar when Owner requires it
i will sleep in a cage (or on the floor)
i will be housebroken using a catbox or newspapers
i will be neutered (wear chastity belt)
i will take punishment in any form my Owner sees fit (newspaper slaps to the balls, shocking collar worn on cock, beat with shoe, etc.)

i will NOT be allowed on the furniture
i will NOT go out without permission
i will NOT beg without being punished

i will pay all costs to my Owner for basic training, doggy day care, and quality pet time.

Basic Puppy Training
Learn the basics! From grooming, performing tricks and potty training. Meals may contain but not be limited to dogfood, some nights will be spent sleeping on floor. Everything a new pup needs to know.


Advanced Training
After graduating Basic puppy will be completely housebroken. We will cover more effective training methods -chastity, cage time, off-limits furniture pieces, and implement a no human food diet complete with occasionally drinking water out of the toilet.


Show Dog Training
Doggy will be groomed to display exemplary behaviour on cam for an audience of judges.